How to Date Better, According to a (Very Glamorous) Matchmaker

I chatted to Sarah Powell of Maclynn about apps, coffee dates and the no-good-men myth.

Hello and welcome back to Late Filing.

Back in July, I sent out a newsletter featuring anonymous interviews with single, mostly straight women in London about dating today: how they felt about apps, about men, about being single in general. The responses were pretty bleak, though not unexpected. I’ve had a million conversations with single friends and read all the articles, and it’s very clear that the way we’re doing dating now is not working. In the newsletter, I mentioned wanting to find a way forward and I really meant it. A good first step, I thought, would be seeking the advice of someone who has considerably more expertise in this field than most: a professional matchmaker.

Professional matchmaking has been getting lots of buzz recently thanks to Materialists, Celine Song’s film starring Dakota Johnson. I finally went to see it on Friday and while I’ll save the nitpicking for the critics, I did enjoy the way it poked fun at the ridiculous shopping list of requirements that some singles, myself included, can have. As it happens, I’d already had a behind-the-scenes peek at this world before the film came out – a few years ago, I interviewed the founder of an international matchmaking agency called Maclynn, and I’ve been following them ever since. What really impressed me about Maclynn was its psychology-led approach to assessing compatibility. Rachel, the founder, suggested I join their ‘open network’ of singles, and doing so involved filling in a lengthy, probing questionnaire about everything from my religious views to my relationship history to my childhood. (For actual paying clients, the interviews and assessments are even more intense.) It’s far more rigorous and thoughtful and much less transactional and crass than how it’s presented in the film.

This time around, I reached out to Sarah Powell, who heads up Maclynn’s office in LA. She’s young and fabulous and has lived in the UK, US and Australia, so I thought she’d be the perfect person to address the very modern but seemingly universal frustrations that many of the 20- and 30-something women in the survey had. We had a really fun conversation, and while I’ve not yet been enticed to come out of my own state of romantic hibernation, she has given me a shred of hope for everyone else.

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Firstly, I’d love to know who your clients are. Do they fit a certain profile?

We have men, women, gay, straight. I’d say the overarching theme is they’re professionals and people who would say they’re quite a catch. Maybe that's because of academic or professional achievements. Maybe they’re quite attractive. Also, they tend to be people who are cosmopolitan. So London, New York, LA. Our networks are strongest in these kind of cosmopolitan markets. But I’ve worked with every ethnicity, every religion. I’ve worked with someone in their twenties and my eldest client is in her seventies. It runs the gamut.

And what do you find the women specifically are looking for?

It can be nuanced. Some people come in with particular goals. Many women in their thirties and forties are more mindful of family planning and that’s important to them. Other times it’s after their first marriage and they’re looking for that new chapter of partnership. So those are the two primary buckets. That probably goes for men and women to be fair. However, a lot of professional women that are coming to seek our support, they really want someone that is more of their equal. They’re empowering themselves to go out there and utilise the service, and they’d like someone that’s at a similar level.

Why have they chosen this route?

The main driver is time, for sure. That’s just the most valuable resource. Maybe you want to maximise the different avenues that you have: online dating is one tool, matchmaking is one, going out to events and being social with friends and colleagues is another one. But also some people are just flat-out and they don’t want to spend time on apps. Then there’s privacy and discretion. Maybe you’re a doctor or a lawyer or a therapist, and you don’t want to see your clients or patients online. And there’s that element of seeking something of a higher calibre or fairly bespoke.

Dating apps are really the predominant way that people are meeting these days. Most people I know who are single can’t stand them, but they feel like a necessary evil. Is there a secret to getting more out of them?

Don’t try to appeal to the masses. People want to appeal to everyone: ‘I like Netflix and wine and travel.’ You have to be more specific here. And it’s OK to have some hot takes or polarising opinions, but also really be forthcoming about what you want. If you’re looking for a relationship, then don’t skirt around that. It will help you avoid people that are time-wasters.

Demonstrate your values [on your profile]: 70 per cent about you and 30 per cent about them, so people can say: ‘I think I know enough about her and I think she’s kind of looking for me too.’ And go for a more positive style of language. Avoid the ‘don’t talk to me if you’re XYZ’. It’s very off-putting and it makes people less likely to engage with you.

And what about people who have decided to quit apps, but they’re finding it hard to meet people in real life. What advice do you have for ‘putting yourself out there’?

I’d say be more social, period. It doesn’t just have to be with the mindset of dating. There are always going to be singles events going on, but there are also lots of social clubs nowadays, especially post-Covid. I’d also say inform people in your circle that you are available and open. People will think of you and want to help make those connections.

One of the reasons why I’m not on apps is because I would pick guys that were perfect on paper and it didn’t work out, whereas the guys I clicked with in real life were the ones I might not have swiped right on. How do you know what to look for in that case?

I think we do give a lot more leeway to people we meet through other avenues because they’re in front of you. All of a sudden they’re a real whole person and we’re a little less judgmental about that. Thinking about things from a values perspective, it’s an extreme example but a lot of my clients in New York talk about Ivy League. ‘I went to a school like that and I want them to have gone to a school like that. It means they’re ambitious.’ Well, all of a sudden you’re eliminating a whole group of people that could be equally ambitious. You have to peel back the layers of what you think ambition means and then suddenly that opens a whole new pool. It’s the same when people are trying to find someone that’s ‘successful’. It could very easily be, ‘Ugh, that job. Ugh, that job.’ You know, making presumptions. I think we have to be cautious about saying something’s a dealbreaker and think more fundamentally about values.

Sarah (left) on Maclynn’s website

I want to talk about heteropessimism. A lot of the women in the survey felt like there just weren’t ‘good men’ out there. I hear a lot of women in their thirties especially saying they think they’re all taken. What would you say to that?

When I speak to men and women and I ask them what their pain points are, it’s always the same. They don’t have time, they’re not meeting people that are compatible, they want to be married and to have kids. I think women were more openly willing to discuss those frustrations, but men don’t necessarily have all those outlets to do so. It can feel like men have way more options, but I don’t know if that’s actually true. As a matchmaker, you see the broad spectrum of it. I meet amazing people day in and day out, but there’s just a lot of missed connections.

Also, there are more powerful women in the workforce and we’re becoming more independent. And again, a lot more women want to find their equal or above, whereas men tend to date up, down, all around. So from that perspective, sometimes it does feel like men have more options because they’re a little less discerning on finances and other things. Women are coming to a place where we can be more self-sufficient like men, so we should be able to date up and down like men. So that’s another way to reframe it. It helps us realise it’s not that men have more options – it’s just women are being way more selective.

How do you encourage your clients to be more open-minded about who they want to date without them feeling like they’re lowering their standards?

It is helpful that in matchmaking we have the opportunity to interview and vet, and so I can encourage people and say: ‘These are some things that I think could be compatible – the lifestyle and interests and the long-term goals you have, the upbringing that you shared, there’s a lot of compatibility there.’ It’s bringing to the forefront what people have said is important to them and reminding them that that’s what this person demonstrates and that should provide some merit for you to explore at least a first date.

A first date’s not a marriage contract. I think a lot of people put so much pressure on setting up a date when really it should be more fun and about exploring the different types of connections that are possible. Because if you keep chasing the same patterns, then you’re going to get the same outcomes. And attraction can grow, which is proven, but the compatibility is there or not there. We do need that fine balance between chemistry and compatibility.

I agree. And I think that if you’re going to be rigid in some places, then you have to be more open-minded in others. Is there anything in particular you think women need to be more flexible on? (For example, I’m Nigerian and I meet so many Nigerian girls who only want to date other Nigerians, which I totally understand but it can just be very limiting.)

Height! [In the US] it’s something like only 15 per cent of men are over 6ft. Statistically, it’s going to be slim pickings. Also height does not equate to compatibility. That’s the reality. The other is finances. If you want stability and someone who demonstrates that they can provide, then that’s valid. But quantifying it based on a job title or a bank account is not as valid. There are always going to be ebbs and flows in these markets. And I think people clinging on to more superficial factors is not helpful.

Culture, I actually get that more – there’s that aspect of wanting someone to be involved in their family and their customs and their faith. But of course it just becomes a bit more constrained, so then you’re going to have to open up on geography.

‘I don’t think coffee dates are low-effort. Low-effort to me is when people leave things very last-minute. It’s not a date until there’s a day, a time and a location.’

Do you have any advice for getting the most out of those first dates?

It should be fun. I think a lot of people get into this interview mode and it really takes away from connection-building. The number one thing is to be curious. That’s always the best dating advice because if you’re curious, it just naturally becomes more fun. Even if you don’t like the person, I think you’ll still enjoy yourself because you’ll be able to have an engaging conversation and learn something. And if that’s not for you, that’s okay.

One of the hot takes around dating on social media at the moment is that women shouldn’t accept ‘coffee dates’ with men because that’s ‘low-effort’. What do you think?

It’s a little bit about lifestyle. If someone’s very adamant about only wanting five-star dinners, and if your date’s not really comfortable with that, then that’s just your standard and it might be a mismatch. But I don’t think it’s low-effort. Low-effort to me is when people leave things very last-minute. My approach is it’s not a date until there’s a day, a time and a location. A lot of us just linger around waiting. He said you would hang out on Thursday and then all of a sudden it’s ‘I want to grab dinner tonight’. Okay, great, you’re getting dinner, but it doesn’t feel like they put in effort.

I think it’s a lot more meaningful if someone plans something in advance that’s considerate of both of your locations, your dietaries, your lifestyle. One friend who doesn’t drink told me about a guy who came up with the idea of going on a bakery-tour date where they hit up three different bakeries. It didn’t cost a lot of money, it was a bit unique and she loved it. I think it shows a lot of effort when someone tailors the experience to what can work for you.

I want to know what you think about dating rules. Are there any you encourage your clients to abide by?

It’s not necessarily a rule but the biggest thing I stress to everyone is just no ghosting. Ghosting needs to be eradicated from the dating space entirely. We need to take accountability, and if we’re not interested in someone to say it. And the more you practise it, the easier and more comfortable everyone is discussing it.

And then for Maclynn, with the early stages, for example, we say you need at least 30 hours with someone to know whether you could be ready for a relationship together. It’s based on various studies about how that communication and connection grows and builds over time. It doesn’t have to be all in person – it can be phone engagements, but I don’t count texting. It’s proper conversations and dates and spending quality time.

A Very Official Singles Survey

How do you not internalise rejection? I think that can be one of the hardest parts of dating for a lot of single people.

It’s an opportunity to do a bit of reflection. What did work? What didn’t work? Unfortunately, not everyone will be as forthcoming to say why they aren’t interested because a lot of the ghosting culture going on, or people just not being clear about what they’re looking for.

But I think it’s also about an abundance mindset. There’s lots of people that are available to us, and we have lots of tools. More tools than ever, really. Hopefully people remain optimistic about there being great people out there and continue to find new avenues.

Also, someone else’s opinion doesn’t diminish your value and your worth. And it just takes a bit of grit. I think people cling onto wanting everyone to like them, but you also have to think: do I actually like this person? Or am I just becoming anxious because I want them to like me?

You’re a matchmaker but you’re also a dating coach. I’m keen to know what women especially struggle with and what you do to help them?

I had a phone call with a client earlier today and she was talking about her own limiting belief that what she wants doesn’t exist. It was about helping her reframe it – that there’s great people out there just like you and you’re just gonna have to find more ways to put yourself out there. Sometimes you think about what you’ve been doing [to find a partner] and it’s looking at your app once a month. Is that really helping you get to your goals? You have to do a lot of inner work to make sure that’s really not tied to your own worth. It’s a lot about confidence-building.

I actually do work with a lot of avoidant women as well because they’ve just been hyper-successful in their career and they’re very independent and they’ve never needed anyone. It’s about attuning their energy and them letting their guard down and letting people in. That tends to be a lot of the coaching when you work with quite accomplished people – having it be okay for someone to step in and support them as a partner.

‘I don’t think in terms of ‘the one’. The reality is you can build romance with several different people through your life.’

What do you think of this idea of wanting to be the best version of yourself before you start dating? Is that something you see with clients?

Yes. They feel like they’re not quite the best version of themselves – they want to get there and then they’ll be ready to date. But there’s never a final destination. You never arrive at: I’m completely healed. I’m completely ready. I’m my best me now. I think ready enough is a good mentality: that you’ve engaged in that work and you have that self-awareness. Because it’s one thing to have all that theory but then it’s another thing to put it in practice, and when you’re dating and meeting people, that can really enhance that growth. I think dating while you’re growing is how relationships work.

Is there such a thing as ‘the one’ or is it just about finding someone who would be compatible with you long-term?

I don’t think in terms of ‘the one’. Maybe it sounds harsh but it’s just romanticised to think that there’s this one perfect individual. The reality is you can build romance with several different people through your life and maybe it serves you for a season and maybe later on it doesn’t. And it’s not a failure. Your goals change, you as a person change. Hopefully that person’s growing with you and they’ll make a fantastic life partner. Other times you outgrow them and you meet new people that are on the same journey as you. I hope that also helps people not feel bummed out if they haven’t found ‘the one’ or a great relationship has ended. You can continue to build some amazing love.

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